Being My Own Superhero

Thor and I go way back. Sure, a selfie with Ironman would have been my preference, but Thor does have long hair. :) It looks like he's about to grab my hand in this photo. Oh, Thor, I don't just hold hands with everyday Superheroes that I'm not in a relationship with, mmmmkay? :)

I will admit, that there have been times in my life, when, from sheer exhaustion and overwhelm, I desperately wanted to be rescued. I would hit a brick wall and just hoped that Thor would come back into my life, knock on the door, and tell me he would make everything better--that he would fix everything--that he would rescue me and wrap me up in his super other-worldly strength. In my darkest hours, I prayed for this very scenario. I didn't feel like I had it within me--the strength, the know how, the energy--to continue on...

Actually, at one point in my life, I did indeed have someone offer to be that hero for me. I mean, he promised he would have taken on all of my stresses, literally throwing me over his shoulder, and one by one, knocking out everything on my list of things I needed to accomplish. As a single mom, trying to juggle everything in my life, it was a very tempting and generous offer. One, that made me pause and wonder--wow--has the Universe really sent a savior into my life here? But, as I felt into his offer, there was a slight hint of him attempting to make me feel like I NEEDED him to carry on... and I immediately saw the truth of my situation. If I let him be my hero, I would be disempowering myself--and that's the last thing I wanted to add to my to do list: to make my list go away by relinquishing my power.

I want to add here that I ended up swinging in the opposite direction, which, ironically, was just as disempowering and not in my highest good. My emotions of feeling alone, overwhelmed, and incapable transformed into:

"You know what? I'm going to be my own damn hero and take care of it ALL BY MYSELF. I don't need someone to throw me over his shoulder. Or confirm to me that how I was feeling was accurate--that I couldn't do this alone and that I NEEDED someone, other than myself, to make it all happen. Oh no! That is so 1950's. I've got this! My new mantra is going to be 'I am a Goddess Warrior and I don't need a man (or woman, or friend, or family member) to fix things for me.' I am love. I am peace. I am strong. I am alone." Wait a minute....I am alone.... (insert sad face with a tear drop streaming down one eye)...

That didn't feel right either, tbh. Instead of feeling empowered I just felt this immense burden of shame and guilt that, underneath the armor, truly existed a me that was burned out and simply overwhelmed. There was a part of me that felt that that's how I SHOULD be feeling, though...that my responsibilities rested squarely on my shoulders and that I should be able to gracefully handle anything and everything that comes my way on my own because I'm a woman, hear me roar, you get it... I felt like I needed to feel that way, otherwise, I would be considered weak and co-dependent--which would somehow make me unworthy and unlovable. To whom, I wasn't even sure. I know that sounds silly even just writing it out, but that's truly how I felt. Something deep inside me felt ashamed for feeling weary, alone, run-down, scared, needing assistance, and like a little girl in pig tails that just wanted to cry and be held in my mom's arms, hoping she would make everything better.

I had to dig deep to uncover the program that was running in the background of my mostly subconscious awareness...the one that made me fearful of being weak and in need of help, deeming me unworthy and unlovable. I discovered its roots through journaling, meditation, and healing sessions with people that I trusted--and I worked hard at re-wiring my brain to allow for a more compassionate program... one rooted in the truth of who I was and what was truly expected of me...

I learned how to access and hold that scared little girl in pigtails that was still a deep part of my being. The little girl that didn't feel like enough...that struggled with feelings of worthiness, in large part, due to a learning disability that wasn't diagnosed until college. Ironically, I was actually a fairly successful student--I had learned to cope, but I worked so incredibly hard and diligently for every hurdle I managed to jump over. It wasn't easy having been born in a family of intellectuals and achievers.... Let me sound like my proud mother for a moment: one of my brothers is an incredibly respected doctor, the other a Harvard educated intellectual property attorney :). Growing up in their shadows was difficult at times. Things came so easily to them. I felt incredibly vulnerable the way my brain was wired. It was painful. But, even though I went on to get my Master's Degree and did very well, there was always this vulnerable feeling deep inside of me. A feeling of being less than, of not being enough, of not having what it takes...

There were other aspects to those deep feelings of shame--some rooted in childhood trauma, some rooted in not so traumatic experiences, but ones of significance, nonetheless. But, once I identified where those feelings were coming from, brought them to light, and allowed myself to feel my vulnerability in all its terrifying glory, I was able to make peace with them. I realized that, though my brain has difficulties in some areas of learning, my intuition took over and guided me towards where I am today. I had to unpack the expectations I had grown up with (mostly created by me) that told me I didn't have what it takes to succeed in life--that my brain wasn't capable of doing the things that would be required of me as a grown-up to sustain myself. That I simply wasn't enough. So, I wrapped that little girl in pigtails into my arms, placed her on my lap, and rocked her as I told her the story of my life--our life.

The very truth of it. The victory of successfully making it through graduate school. The creation of two beautiful, magnificent children. The courage and bravery of leaving an unhappy marriage because our happiness mattered. Gracefully enduring chronic pain. Surviving and healing trauma. Walking away from disempowering people and institutions. Discovering and developing intuitive gifts that have brought us to where we are today--feeling more like our authentic self than ever before...

It is a story that I share with her often. I hold her and whisper in her ear that she is enough, that she is loved, that she is worthy. And, importantly, that she is not alone. That we are creatures of connection. That needing help from others is not a sign of weakness--but simply an understanding of our temporary limits in the moment. It is a healthy form of self-care to reach out. That it's ok to admit that you're tired and weary.

Wholeness does not require perfection. Empowerment does not require complete independence. In fact, it is in our connection with others that we can grow to our greatest potentials. Allowing myself to feel whole in my vulnerabilities, while at the same time, honoring my limitations, created cognitive dissonance within me, at first. But, once I healed the part of me that was resistant to it, it began to feel beautiful and sacred--and as the Universe intended...we belong to each other. We are not separate. We are one. And there is no shame in reaching out and vulnerably admitting, "I need help."

I love this quote:

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”

― Carl Gustav Jung

I learned that I absolutely can be my own hero, but it's not by virtue of being radically independent and not needing outside support. That was simply a limiting belief and program I picked up from past experiences. It's precisely by virtue of who I am at the core--my divine nature. Stepping into my authentic truth...now that is living an empowered life. That is how we become our own heroes.

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” – Brené Brown

I want to add here that I have been so deeply blessed with dear friends who are always on standby... friends that feel more like family who have stood by my side through thick and thin... who reach out to me regularly just to let me know they're there... friends who will always have my back... who reach out to me at just the right time again and again... You mean more to me than you will ever know, and I love you so very much.

I know that in this big crazy amazing Universe, I am known, I am looked after, I belong, I am enough, and I am worthy.

Even Superheroes work as a team, right?

Please enjoy these quotes by the beloved Brené Brown:

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”-Brené Brown

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”- Brené Brown

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” – Brené Brown

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brené Brown

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” – Brené Brown

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brené Brown “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” – Brené Brown

“I thought faith would say, ‘I’ll take away the pain and discomfort,’ but what it ended up saying was, ‘I’ll sit with you in it.’”- Brené Brown

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.”- Brené Brown “We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.”- Brené Brown “Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect.”- Brené Brown